Great Newton's Ghost and Spooky Action at a Distance

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The Physics Enquirer - Saturday October. 31, 2015.

Be very cautious this Halloween, physics fans. There have already been reports of quite a lot of unusual forces and activity noted all about. In rural Missouri several reports of Newton’s ghost have been called to law enforcement. The spirit was seen dropping apples on the heads of unsuspecting trick or treaters, and then flying into the night sky yelling, “I stand upon the shoulders of giants”. No giants have yet been observed, however.

In downtown Manhattan a phantom pirate ship was seen floating over Central Park on bubbling quantum foam. Victims were being taken aboard ship and made to walk the Planck, the length of which measured a mere 1.616 x 10 ^ -35 meters. Pirates could be heard tormenting people with the information that light can travel the distance of one Planck length in one Planck unit of time. The terrified captives accelerating over the edge of the ship at 9.8m/s*s. On that scale virtual particles were seen popping into, then out of existence. That really freaked everybody out!

On the West coast, The Headless Feynman has been observed riding wildly through the night, playing an horrifying bongo tune, and drawing Feynman diagrams on innocent pumpkins. When confronted by a mob of angry physics students who informed the ghoul that their calculated probability amplitude predicts that he should not exist, he responded that they have not renormalized correctly and that they have forgotten that the first principle, “which is never fool a physics student and physics students are the easiest ones to fool”.

The presence of Einstein’s spirit was sensed to be trying to frighten passersby outside of Princeton by invoking spooky action at a distance. Several people could be seen screaming and running hysterically away as a photon in one location seemed to be entangled with photons at a completely different location instantaneously! Einstein’s spirit was later observed playing dice. Guess who was not playing with him!

At CERN a witches brew of subatomic particles is being produced through the cruel collision of fast moving protons. It should also be noted that these collisions occur underground - why hide it underground if there is nothing evil to hide? Some theorize that the energies involved may expose hidden dimensions. Do we really want that? Already the long feared Higgs Boson has been identified in this very location. Many fear that it may only be a matter of time before Laplace’s demon is seen exiting CERN trying to reverse entropy.

In other cities around the US, something was seen haunting the skies that to some appeared to be a wave and to others a particle. One women interviewed told us, “it seems to depend on what apparatus you use to observe it”. Citizens were instructed to stay indoors and to stay away from any double slits. The Mayor said, “There’s absolutely nothing to worry about, but you don’t want to be near a double slit and have this thing creating any interference”.

In other locations Philosophical zombies could be seen munching on Boltzman’s brains. Still most sources remain uncertain about this saying that they couldn’t really be sure of their momentum if they knew their position, and vice versa. That makes this story completely unreliable, but we’ll report it anyway and keep you updated around the clock until you finally don’t care anymore. In one high school the Pauli exclusion principle went into effect and now everyone is excluding Pauli which isn’t very nice. Why can’t all you fermions just get along like bosons?

As a final note of caution, don’t cross the path of any Schrodinger cats or any people that seem to be under the influence of Dark Energy. Stay safe this Halloween, and always double check your calculations.

About the Author: 
Physician, scientist, writer. I live with my wife Julie, two boys William and Oliver, and two crazy puppies Midnight and Monet. My science blog is at http://darwinskidneys.wordpress.com